Slow and Disorganized
23 Jul 2010 6 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: healing, life
In the last four or five months, my life has completely switched directions. For years it was go, go, go. All the time. And because of the busy-ness, I was forced to be organized. Super-organized. I’m still pretty organized, and I always have been. It is my nature I guess. But when life and schedules crossed the border of crazy, my organization was knife-sharp.
Not so much now. My grocery and supply shops are not well planned. They are sporadic, and I seem to either forget half a dozen important items, or go for ten items and end up re-stocking the whole house. Speaking of the house, it is less clean than it has been in ages. The family budget is – well I don’t even know where the family budget is. The laundry is piled in the closet. Instead of starting a new project every couple of days, all of my current projects are on hold. I’ve been writing, yes, but I haven’t been working on anything specific. I haven’t rearranged a single piece of furniture or painted a single room (save for the foyer but it doesn’t count since it had to be done) since we moved in. I’m not myself.
In the same vein, this blog has kind of gone to rot. And I’m kind of sorry for that, but kind of not.
I have so much free time that I always think I’ll do it later, but then I don’t.
This is what I do: I read. I water the lawn. I spontaneously go out in to public and meet friends. I take the kids to the library, to the water park, to church. I lay on the grass in the sun, without sunscreen and without a hat, but with a novel. I sit in the hammock with a novel. I lay on the couch under a blanket, with a novel. I bake. I read. I go on the Wii. I go for a walk. I read.
Sometimes I go to work, but usually not when I tell my boss I’ll be there. I say ‘Hey, Michelle, I’ll probably be in tonight to do this and that.’ And then I show up the next morning instead and do this and that and a handful of other things too because I feel bad. But she doesn’t seem to mind. Nice boss, eh? To so acquiesce in my laziness.
Occasionally I still have a day where the panic feeling rises and I worry about all that I’m not accomplishing, and that someone out there is looking on with disapproval. But then I remember that it’s just me. I’m the only one who cares about what I do or don’t do in a day. And I remind myself that I’m in a season of rest, a season that inevitably will come to an end, and so I grab a novel and head out to the hammock or walk the kids to the park and stare at the clouds and feel really tiny in the universe and really happy. Just for now. Just for a while.
Shining Scars
21 Jul 2010 1 Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: God, healing, hope, porn, scars, wounds
In God’s hands, your mistakes are not open cuts, they are healed scars that tell stories of great hope.
That is a line from a very poignant post that I just read at the Stuff Christians Like website. And it got a resounding amen from my heart the moment I read it.
In my quietness and my rest the last few months, the idea of scars has come up in my thoughts often. I’ve written before that there is deep meaning for me in the fact that Christ’s risen body didn’t reflect his pre-crucifixion humanity, but that it bore scars. A testament of life overcoming death. Of healing overtaking pain. Of strength coming out of weakness.
In my own life, in the healing God has brought, I notice that He didn’t make it as though I never suffered, but that he can take my suffering and not just heal it, but bring something beautiful out of it, if I let him.
Many times I have wondered if I have done something wrong by being open about my personal struggles with porn. God helped me deal with it and overcome it, yes. But maybe I should have just let the past be past, never to be mentioned again. Be healed and be thankful and just let it go. But God has been telling me for years that he wants to make something more from it than that. He can use my story to bring hope to others. He can use my service to bring healing to others. 35 to 45 percent of internet searches for pornography today are done by women. All of them are hurting deep inside. They have their own wounds. Some of them want out, want healing. But all around them is silence. And shame. They think they are alone.
I’ve been wondering if I have done something wrong by talking about it. If I’ve embarrassed my family – my birth family or my current family. I’ve wondered if this will embarrass my church. Is this the kind of ministry they want to be associated with? Or is it too much? Too brash? These questions have plagued me and I have begun to feel shame.
I know that God is taking me down this path. I also know that I am free to go along with it or back out. God has been telling me to rest for now, and it has been good. But I sense that it’s coming. Some moment of choice, of decision. I don’t know if it’ll be in a week or a year or maybe a few, but it feels imminent. When I am feeling close to God, I feel confident, that if I only listen to His voice anything is possible, my shame and all my apprehensions melt away into nothingness.
This article I read this morning reminds me that my openness about my struggles is nothing to be ashamed of. God has healed my life. I can keep it to myself, or I can show it off and give hope to others who share my same struggles, who don’t yet know that there is any hope for them. They feel alone but they are not. Just as I felt alone but I was not. I can let my life be a big billboard for hope.
But blah blah blah, that is me.
What are your wounds? We all have them. Wounds are what come from living life in a broken world. What hurt are you carrying around? Did you know that Christ can bring healing? That He can bring beauty from your pain? Will you let the Great Healer in? You are not alone.
Hi
20 Jul 2010 Leave a Comment
It has been over a week since my last post. I feel like I should apologize, or give you a reason. Truth be told, it would be insincere. I don’t know why, but blogging has just not held any appeal lately. I’m still a blog reader however, so look for me in your comments section. Or facebook – I’m not usually a facebooker, but decided to re-join just for the summer. Between my lack of blogging and all of our regular social activities being on hold for the summer I was feeling out of touch. So I’m there.
I can’t say when I will blog again – maybe later today and maybe next week. Maybe September, who knows (although I can’t honestly see myself leaving it that long.) Thanks for stopping by anyway. And I hope you are having a fun July!
Used
12 Jul 2010 5 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: cleaning
I’m not one to keep a bunch of junk around. Actually, I’m quite the compulsive purger. I think it’s some kind of revolt from the way I was raised – my Mom and my Grandma both keep everything. I’m constantly getting rid of stuff. I don’t know if it’s a force of habit from living in small spaces (our last house was 800 square feet) or my desire to be ever organizing, if not exactly organized, but I just have a hard time holding on to things that we’re not currently using.
The exception to this rule seems to have been wedding gifts. The crystal, in particular. Too fancy to use it. No room to keep it. The knowledge that it was expensive, and someone bought it for us with a heart of love. I just couldn’t do away with it. So it has lived through eight moves in the almost ten years since our wedding and has never found a spot in our home. It has lived in a cardboard box. Until today. I’ve been trying to sort and organize all of our storage items that have been sitting in the garage since we moved in. Today I found the crystal drinking glasses. And I thought, who cares if they’re expensive, they’re useless in this box. And we’re running out of glasses anyway.
So now we’re drinking our water in style.
Sisters
07 Jul 2010 1 Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: adora
Adora also wrote a post on her blog today.
Grade One
07 Jul 2010 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: grace
Grace wanted me to let you know that she posted on her blog today.
50 Cheap Dates
07 Jul 2010 4 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: marriage
My husband is away and I miss him terribly.
I guess I’ve gotten used to having him around. It wasn’t always so. When our kids were toddler-age we were both going to school and working – him full time and me part time. I pretty much handled the kids myself as he went off to the call centre every evening. I got used to going to bed alone every night. When that phase of our life changed it was an adjustment to be sure, but it was a good adjustment.
Last spring, with his university days behind him (I’m not done yet) and settled in at his new dream job, we found ourselves separated on a regular basis yet again because he suddenly had to travel for work. A lot. At one point, he was gone for three weeks out of the month. I got used to holding my own here, even though it was a bit of a juggle organizing childcare for the nights I had to go to work.
But eventually, that was over too. We have settled into a blissful routine with both of us at home a lot more. Not only are we both here for the kids, but we’re both here together on a fairly regular basis. It’s been a nice pace of life.
But now he’s gone again. He’s gone surfing for a week with his buds. He will be home for a day and then off again for another week for work. I’m only on day three of his absence and I miss him. Yes, it’s partially because I’m not used to being alone with the kids 24/7 (usually they’re in school during the day and I work a few evenings a week). I had to take them to work with me (at the church) on Monday for two hours. They, of course, chose those two hours to continually pick at each other and get into screaming matches and Adora pulled a disappearing act by going outside to climb a tree and not answering when we were calling and looking for her (arg!). It was embarrassing and frustrating and of course they were getting along like peaches and cream as soon as we left the church building. Sigh. So I miss being able to hand them off, but more than that, I miss his company.
I watched three episodes of 30 Rock by myself on Monday night.
(Last night I invited myself to dinner at the Jenkins’ house, put the kids to bed there under Mike’s care and went to the movie theatre with Shannon, so yay for impromptu girls nights out!)
And now I’m sitting here missing him again. Two and a half more days of this, and then another week. Come home to me baby!
In the meantime I’ve been devising a plan. Mwah ha ha ha ha ha. I came across a cutsie little article – a list of 50 Cheap Dates. Matthew and I are notoriously bad for not making time together – alone (other than watching 30 Rock or Dexter or Lost or whatever TV series has our attention at the moment) and I keep saying “we need to go on dates more often.” I say it to my friends, I say it to myself, I occasionally even say it to Matthew. But I don’t really act on that desire. But this little article inspired me to grab the bull by the horns. I’ve saved the list. I’m going to drag him out and do the list.
Right now he’s surfing, happily ignorant of the plans I’m making.
Daunted
22 Jun 2010 6 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: garden
I’m giving to you straight. I came here to wallow in my disappointment and to inspire your sympathy.
Yesterday morning I was washing the dishes and as I gazed out the window I delighted to notice that my single living rosebush (I have three dead ones) was in full bloom. It was absolutely covered in soft pink flowers. I was hoping to get out and have a closer look, as it is way up on one of our terraces that go up the hill in the back. I had a very busy day and didn’t have the chance.
My Mom was over last night for dinner and to work on my sister’s practice wedding cake. Before dinner was ready my Mom and I stood, chatting, and pulling weeds from between the plants on the first terrace. I pointed out the roses, but still didn’t climb up there to take a close look. I did notice that my lettuce (the only vegetable I have gotten around to planting and only because my Grandma brought it for me) was coming along nicely, and was even ready to have the first few leaves pulled off to put in a salad.
I was feeling so good to see things finally coming along back there. Matthew and I have put countless hours in yanking five years worth of weeds (we just got this place in December, previously it was a rental property and the yard had been let go) and putting in new plants. Most of the garden is still a jungle, there are dead trees and bushes scattered all over the place – we left everything that wasn’t obviously toast in hopes that we could bring them back. So in the areas that we focused this year, it just pleased my heart so much to see progress. The fruit of our labour.
This morning after I dropped the kids at school, i decided to do some major weeding. I tackled the front of the house first. It’s not too pretty out there. I feel bad for our neighbors since we are seriously lacking curb appeal and they all have taken good care of their own properties. But, oh well. We decided to focus on the back yard first since that’s where we spend our time. The front needs several cedar bushes removed, and possibly a new retaining wall built before I can even think the word garden, but we are enjoying the things that did come up from seed, and I did put a few hostas in by the front door where there was nothing. A good weeding this morning really cleaned it up, even if it doesn’t look spectacular. Yet.
Then I moved on to the back yard. I went to collect the little piles of weeds my Mom and I had pulled last night, when I noticed that all of my lettuce had been eaten! Matthew and I were admiring a deer up on the hill early this morning. I didn’t realize it had come right down into the yard. I sighed a little. My lettuce! Oh pooh.
And then I went up to the second terrace. Every single flower had been bitten off the rosebush. Agony! I looked around at the other plants. Many of the flowers that had been preparing to bloom had had all of their buds chomped off. I sat down and nearly started to cry. But I didn’t. I just sat for a minute and wallowed. And then I decided I needed some sympathy so I came to tell you all about it.
Feel for me. Deeply.
As for me, I’m heading back out to my so-called garden, to pick away at all the weeds that the deer ignored.
Happy Summer; Embrace Your Frenemies
21 Jun 2010 2 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: grace
Happy Summer Solstice.
Although, right now, it is housework day (Monday) I do plan on celebrating the longest day of the year and the official beginning of summer by taking the kids to the water park after school. We haven’t made it there yet this year, and what a great excuse. Also, my Mother in Law and I will be making the most of the extended daylight by hitting the driving range after dinner. We were going to play a full round, but the forecast says rain is a big possibility and the earliest tee time available was 7:30. We’re both too old to golf that late, solstice or not. How about you? Anything planned?
Today Grace came roaring out of her kindergarten classroom asking for a play-date. Unfortunately, the friend she wanted had already left. So I let her play at the playground for a while as I stood holding her backpack, an armload of stuffies she had somehow accumulated in her coat-cubby, chatting with some other parents.
One of the little boys came over and whispered something in his mother’s ear and then ran away. She looked at me with eyes as big as saucers. Little Malcom had come and asked if Grace could come over to his house to play. You have to understand, Grace and Malcom have been arch-enemies since the first day of Kindergarten in Septemeber. He is the only kid she does not like and he teases her ceaselessly. I’m pretty sure she lies in bed at night plotting his demise. So anyway, I called Grace over, asked her of she wanted to go – and she said yes.
As the two of us walked down to the car together to fetch her booster seat, I asked her if she really wanted to play with Malcom, or if she was just hurting for a play-date. I asked her if she thought they could survive the afternoon together. She nodded her head, quietly considering the possibilities. “Malcom…..” she paused. “Malcom…..we….I think this could be good, Mom.”
Okay.
So off she went with Malcom, his little brother and his Mom. They left it until the very last week of school (yay it’s the last week of school!) but maybe this one last Kindergarten friendship has finally been kick-started.
Tid Bits
17 Jun 2010 6 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: adora, ballet, grace, random
I feel like posting but I have no topic, so WATCH OUT, randomness coming at ya.
- I am in the midst of baking cake. A lot of cake. My sister’s wedding is coming up. My Mom is doing the cake. She did my wedding cake ten years ago. She is a creative-type. But she’s not so big on the baking. And she only has a little convection / microwave oven. I like to bake. So I got roped in. We decided we should do a practice run. So I’m baking a practice cake, and later today, she will be coming over to decorate it. It will be three tiers, but we’re not bothering with the (giant) bottom layer today. I’ve got the middle layer in the oven right now – 16 cups of cake batter!!! And I still have to do the top. In a different flavor. But I don’t want to reveal too much.
- I’m dancing a little jig because ballet is officially over. I love taking the kids to ballet. I love watching them. I love that it is a thing the two kids share and enjoy together. I really love it, all year long – until the end of June that is. By the end of June I cry on Friday mornings, knowing what is to come in the afternoon. Truth be told, the kids seem to have had enough by then as well. The recital was last weekend and it was a great success. I was so proud of them I had tears in my eyes. But that deserves it’s own post. With pictures! I promise to get on that, soon.
- Also last weekend (I had a little calendar planning glitch that made last weekend a very busy one) I hosted a bridal shower for my sister. We had seventeen ladies packed in here on Sunday afternoon, and boy did those ladies eat. My kitchen help and I (thanks Grandma, Paige and Wanda!) made three appies and three deserts as well as fruit and the ladies devoured it all. It was great! My sister was spoiled with gifts. We did some crazy games. The weekend went off without a hitch thanks in large part to Matthew who mowed the lawn, pitched in with the clean-up, and even learned how to apply eyeliner perfectly so he could get the kids off to their second recital on Sunday while I was busy showering Amber.
- Grace was bopping around here a few minutes ago listening to her MP3 player. I asked her what she was listening to. “If I had eyes in the back of my head (Jack Johnson),” she rolled her eyes at me. “It’s my favorite.” As if I should know. Geez. Attitude much?
- Adora has a new hobby. Building things with hammer, nails and spare bits of wood from her Papa’s shop. A few weeks ago she brought home a sailboat she had built. On Sunday night we were out there for Matt’s brother’s birthday dinner (yes, after the shower and the recital) and we all sat on the deck shooting the breeze while Adora could be heard, down at the shop, hammering away on new creations. In a sundress, of course.
- Hello, blog traffic. Before posting today, I thought I’d take a look at my stats. I feared that with my major blogging slow-down my numbers would have dropped off completely. Nope. I have more visitors than ever. What the what? The other day I had as many as I did way back when I had the word porn in the title (most visitors ever). So hello to anyone who is new. Thanks for reading. Comments are always welcome!
Okay. That’s enough for today. I need to go stir up the next round of cake batter.
I’m not sure what we’re going to do with this cake. It smells delicious.
