Danka's World

“Because how we spend our days, of course, is how we spend our lives.” -Annie Dillard

I’ve been chasing a track of thought the last couple of days. I’m not sure if I can quite articulate it, but I’ll try.

Last week, Matthew and I celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary. You know that old joke, on your birthday someone will ask, “Well, do you feel any older?” It’s funny, and depending on my mood I fool around with the answer. But truthfully? No. I never feel older on my birthday. I always feel the same as I did the day before.

The night of my anniversary, however, after all the celebrations – all of them – when I was waiting to fall asleep, I did feel somehow, different. In the days leading up to the date, I had pondered the significance of the occasion and felt and thought a variety of things. Old. Astounded. Excited. Mostly old. (How is that I’m old enough to have been married for ten years?)

But on the Thursday night of August 26, 2010, I lay in my bed and I felt so very different. I felt wise and accomplished. I felt like I always imagined I would feel if I ever graduated university (how I will feel when I do graduate university, that is) only it felt ten times as hugely significant as graduation could feel.

It caught me off guard.

I have never done anything for ten years. Except this. My life has always been constantly changing. Changing location. Changing jobs. Changing religion. Changing friends. Hobbies. Habits. Opinions. The paint on the walls. I don’t feel very much like a person of constancy, reliability. I’ve never felt steady.

And here I’ve been a wife for ten. whole. years. My whole adult life, really.

But it wasn’t just that. It wasn’t just about me (like it usually is). Marriage is a we thing. It simply can not ever be a me thing. We did this. For ten. whole. years. We did it together. How miraculous.

I suppose that could be a post in itself, but I’ve been getting a new perspective all around. I’ve discovered in that last few months that writing isn’t something I want to do. It’s something I do, in one form or another, on a daily basis, and it’s something I have always done. Since I was old enough to hold a pen. I don’t want to be a writer. I am a writer. I don’t need a career path, notoriety and a steady paycheck to prove it. It’s part of who I am. That realization has brought a tremendous wave of relief. Writing is not something I can fail at. It’s simply part of my personal make-up.

I am a mother, and I always will be, from now and forever. My family is my family and I will never have another.

Other things about me that seem to constantly change, are, in reality, part of who I am. Ministry groups and volunteer opportunities in the community and among friends seem to come and go from my schedule. I’m always involved in some new thing. But whether the setting or cause is new or changing, I seem to have a personal service quotient that must be filled in order for me to feel like I’m living my life. It goes way back to when I was a teenager. Even though we weren’t involved in church in any way, my mom used to make sure we spent time volunteering. We canvassed for charities and participated in fundraisers and community service in general. I got used to living life that way. Now I can’t not live that way.

The same with creative endeavors. The same with home decor and improvement. The same with organizing. And reorganizing. Over and over and over again.

The more I’ve been paying attention to these regularities in my life I’ve been beginning to feel more comfortable in my own skin. And even though my schedule is far from the frenzied mass of activity it was a short time ago, I don’t feel like I’m doing nothing, accomplishing nothing. My life feels rich and full. I’m feeling more at ease with this girl God made. No, this woman. And I think I like her. How about that!

I’ve been less frantic with the fear that I will never accomplish anything ‘big’ or ‘worthwhile’ in my lifetime. I am pretty faithful on a day-to-day basis in the small everyday things God has given me. And I realize that if I go along, and am content, as time accumulates each thing will become better and better in its own right. I think I can be very satisfied with that.

“The essential thing in heaven and earth is that there should be a long obedience in the same direction; there results, and has always resulted in the long run, something which has made life worth living.” – Nietzsche.

I’m part of this great marriage and this great family. I am a friend and I have great friends. I’m good at cleaning and organizing stuff. I write! I learn. I learn all the time. I have an abundance of simple pleasures: reading, walking around my town and around nature – taking it all in, the joys of cooking good food, the joys of growing things for beauty and, hopefully soon, for food, hearing laughter resound from the open mouths of my children and my friends. Girlfriends. Yes. Worship. Yes.

Yes.